Day Twenty-two

Today we were told that we would be concentrating on our upper body. Well that is good news, what could possibly go wrong with upper body work? It is my lower body that is all broken, the upper body works pretty well. At least, I thought it did. I managed to tweak my elbow doing one of the three versions of cobra we performed. Of COURSE I hurt my elbow in cobra. I mean, I cannot go through any sort of physical activity without hurting myself, right? It is the law, apparently.

Instructor: Matt
Pain level: Orange
Highlight of the class: Sitting down on my mat. I actually arrived at class ten minutes early but due to some incompetence at the head of the line I was late to class. Go figure.
Favorite posture: Vasisthasana (side plank). This one just felt good to stretch into.
Least favorite posture: Balasana (child's pose). Normally I love me a relaxation pose, but sometimes you are faced with an important question. Is that ball sweat on my mat from Bhujangasana (cobra)? That is ball sweat on my mat from bhujangasana. Collapse onto my mat? Uh, thanks.

Day Twenty-one

Back to yoga for the first time since Thursday. On Thursday instead of the kick-ass Jude I had the substitute Val. It is important to note that in this context the term "kick-ass" means Jude tries to make you cry. Referring to Val as not an ass kicker just means you can walk out of her class, it is not an insult. On Tuesday I had Val instead of the kick-ass Rebecca. In case you missed it, Tuesday marked the summer solstice. There is a good chance that the only thing you cared about was the fact that it meant it was light out until 9 PM. If you are a yogi then this is an opportunity for you to meditate upon the brightness the sun brings into the world. For the rest of us this means we have to listen to our yoga instructor blather on about the light within us. This should not be taken as an indication that I did not enjoy the class. I walked in ready to pass out on my feet and walked out ready to pass out on my feet, but in between I had a damned good time.

Instructor: Val
Pain level: Orange
Highlight of the class: Passing out clean in savasana. Fuck all that you hold holy but I love me a good sleep.
Favorite posture: A series of sun salutations (Surya Namaskara). This was a great way to invigorate the body.
Least favorite posture: Savasana. I know, I know, it was the highlight of the class when I passed out during meditation, but Val kept droning on and on about the light outside representing the light within and every time she talked I woke back up. I love sleeping but I HATE waking up.

Day Twenty

There was no yoga today. There was supposed to be yoga today but it turns out I have C++ training this week. What can I learn in C++ training? Well, not a lot. I would have to possess the ability to stay awake through an entire day of class for that happen. Yoga starts at 4:30 and class gets out at 4:30. On the bright side this gives me a perfect excuse to leave work at 4:30 regardless of what time I showed up in the morning. On the down side, I really do enjoy Toby's class.

Instructor: Leor. No really, that is his name. It turns out it is a common name in Hebrew but Leor is from California. There is very little problem with his accent.
Pain level: Red. This has nothing to do with the torn abdomen, have you ever tried to sit through 8 hours of C++ training?
Highlight of the class: Waking up at 4:30 to find an e-mail sent at 1:30 from a coworker in the class telling me to wake up. True story.
Favorite posture: Asleep in class, obviously.
Least favorite posture: Any moment spent awake in class.

Day Nineteen

Here is the thing. When you end up at a wedding where one of the key members (aka the groom) met a guy at a Renaissance Faire while dressed as an ogre (aka Shrek) then weird shit may happen. For example, there might be a circus performer and his wife and they might ask for volunteers from the crowd. You might volunteer thinking you will get to have sex with the wife. In this case since you obviously do not have sex with the wife you face the possibility of ending up in a human table. Boy I was hoping that would lead to pictures of underage people. Anyway this happened and as you can imagine when holding the person in your lap with nothing but lower body and core strength, you want a fully functional abdomen. Oh well, at least I had the best looking member of the human table in my lap? She was cute so I can count that as sex, right? After this the drive home was more painful. At least the wine was good and I flipped off the camera man.

Instructor: Bill
Pain level: Orange
Highlight of the class: The bride's boobs falling out of her strapless dress. It is important to note that this might have only happened in my mind.
Favorite posture: Watching the circus performers with a bottle of champagne in my hand that no one felt obligated to remove.
Least favorite posture: The human table, despite the presence of a female in my lap.

Day Eighteen

No yoga today. My friend is getting married and given the choice between drunkenly dropping trou at a wedding and waking up to stretch with a bunch of assholes who are altogether too perky it is really not much of a contest. Let us see how long you can hold downward facing dog after staying up until 8 AM (note, really 10 PM) drinking whiskey (note, really whiskey) fuckers! OK, I should probably go shower and shave before the festivities start. Shave my ass, obviously.

Instructor: Champagne
Pain level: Yellowish-orange
Highlight of the class: "Accidentally" dropping champagne down the front of the bride's dress. Ah, boobs.
Favorite posture: Dancing to "I'm Too Sexy" with no pants on.
Least favorite posture: Hugging the toilet.

Day Seventeen

My third day of rest found me sitting in a car for several hours as I drove north. Sitting for long periods of time has been a source of discomfort since the injury. I found this drive to be relatively pain free. As long as I sat with good posture in the car I was able to avoid the inevitable back pain that has plagued me since the injury. It is almost like all of these muscle groups are tied together. Weird, I know. Thank goodness I drive a German car so there is room for my freakishly long torso to sit fully upright without banging my head into the ceiling. It occurs to me that this far into the bomb I was hoping to have made noticeable strides towards health but I suppose that it was an unrealistic expectation. The general rule of thumb is that it takes you twice as long to heal as you nursed the injury. Too bad I cannot continue this yoga pace for the next 3 years. Regardless I feel I have made important strides towards recovery by cleverly clearing out all that scar tissue in the lower abdomen. And by cleverly I mean painfully. Oh well.

Day Sixteen

Classes like this one make me glad I am taking all levels yoga classes as my avenue towards health rather than Zumba. Every person walking out of the studio from the Zumba class that precedes yoga on Wednesdays was a hot, sweaty mess. One disgruntled yogi had a hard time finding a dry spot on the floor on which to lay his mat. I had no such localization issues as I just lay my mat down directly behind the best looking girl in the class, who promptly decided she would rather take the power class instead. Oh yeah, still got it.

Instructor: Val
Pain level: Orange
Highlight of the class: Finding out the yogi next to me was sporting a purple thong beneath her yoga pants. Remember yogis, no pantie lines! I spent the rest of the class trying to both not stare at it and stare at it at the same time. That's right, I am twelve.
Favorite posture: Kapotasana (pigeon). This was the second consecutive class that concentrated on hip opening and it felt fantastic.
Least favorite posture: Fire hydrant. Yup, still cramps. Maybe someday this will feel good instead of PAIN.

Day Fifteen

We will call this one the hip opener. To the best of my recollection two days later, every posture was meant to open the hips on some level or another. This also marked the second consecutive class when I felt significantly better mentally after class than beforehand. Tracing back through the days it is possible I am just re-affirming that it is a terrible idea to listen to Unearth on my way to yoga. This is unfortunate because it turns out it is always an excellent idea to listen to Unearth.

Instructor: Matt
Pain level: Orange
Highlight of the class: A yogi threatened to throw a block at Matt if he concentrated on hips in class but it was an empty threat since she did not have a block. A helpful fellow yogi offered up her block as a projectile not because she agreed with the protest but because she thought someone should throw a block at Matt.
Favorite posture: Matt took us into a twisted runner's lunge that really stretched the torn abdominal muscle in a good way.
Least favorite posture: Fire hydrant. I am sure there is a fancy Sanskrit term for lifting your leg up like you are a dog about to piss on a fire hydrant but fucked if I can find it. When you are a canine this is a handy way of pointing your stream towards its intended target without the use of opposable thumbs. When you are an alcoholic men's league hockey player this mostly just leads to cramps in your hips.

Day Fourteen

Sometimes a class is exactly what you need. We started the class in elevated savasana with a blanket folded up beneath our spines so we could get some opening through our abdomens. Blah, blah, blah. There is a lot of meditation involved in yoga. This is not a skill I possess. You are supposed to release your day at the door and take deep breaths while concentrating on the practice. During these times I usually try not to think about boobs because boners are hard to hide in mesh shorts, especially when you are laying on your back. This time I noticed a feeling of drunkenness. I closed my eyes and the room started spinning. Obviously I am not drinking before these classes as I am taking it a little more seriously than that, but I have not been sleeping as well as I would have hoped and it is taking its toll. Rebecca took requests at the beginning of class and based on customer input worked the back quite a bit. This meant a lot of long holds in various twisted positions. This is a long-winded way of saying my head was spinning, I had a lot of baggage from lack of sleep and actually attempting to work at work, and this class focused me right up.

Instructor: Rebecca
Pain level: Orange
Highlight of the class: Rebecca tried to carry about 37 blocks (estimated) and they inevitably tumbled to the ground. There is something comedic about incredibly coordinated people looking as clumsy as I do on an every day basis.
Favorite posture: Savasana. When your head is spinning and your eyes are heavy and you have not even taken the simplest of drugs laying in stillness is a wonderful release.
Least favorite posture: None. I loved this class. I am sure there was something I grimaced through at the time, but the feeling of relaxation and comfort when I walked out made it all worth it.

Day Thirteen

These Monday late-afternoon classes are a lot of fun but a lot of work. A lot of the abdominal work was isolated on the lower abs, especially isolated left and right lower abdominal strength work. In other words, the exact muscle I have torn. I had to really pay close attention to the experience because I am actively trying to not make things worth with middling success.

Instructor: Toby
Pain level: Orange
Highlight of the class: Urdhva mukha svanasana (upward-facing dog). I have never really been able to get into this posture comfortably before. I keep expecting my back to lock up when I move from up dog into downward facing dog (adho mukha svanasana) but for the most part if I keep the abdominal muscles locked then I can make it pain free.
Favorite posture: C curves in table posture. You look over your left shoulder and throw your left hip out from a table and the same to the right. It is a side opening posture. Also you can look at the cute girl over your left shoulder and only feel a little bad about it.
Least favorite posture: Surya namaskara. Toby led us through a series of postures in a modified sun salutation on our toes. "Stay way up on your toes," she implores. Thanks for pointing out my mutant feet, bitch!

Day Twelve

Man was I in a bad mood heading into this class. Once again I failed to get enough sleep the night before. Therefore I slept later, I had to mainline some coffee and barely drank any water before class. This time I ended up in a much better mood at the end of class; relaxed, refreshed, and ready to face my day. I think yoga makes me peaceful.

Instructor: Sushma
Pain level: Orange
Highlight of the class: It sounded like someone had a sex dream during savasana. I know you are not supposed to pay attention to what other yogis are doing during this period of meditation, but Sushma woke us up pretty quickly once the moaning started.
Favorite posture: Once again I came up with nothing. It was a great class though. Great for a Sunday morning.
Least favorite posture: Ardha dhanurasana (half bow). Nothing like a violent hamstring cramp to start your practice. I might not be open enough for this posture yet.

Day Eleven

My second Saturday morning yoga class and my first after staying up until 2 AM walking seven miles for the Relay for Life. I had knee pain, back pain, I was tired, and I am pretty sure I strained my complaining muscle. We had a full class and just as we were settling in we got moved from the large studio to the small studio because the yoga teacher trainers needed the wall space. I had to abandon some of the arm circling exercises because I kept banging into the woman next to me on one side and knocking over a plant on the windowsill on the other side. Obviously knocking the plant over was more troublesome to me.

Instructor: Sharon
Pain level: Orange
Highlight of the class: During a back twist the woman next to me flopped her arms onto my mat. Not a big deal, I just pulled my knees closer to my face and got a deeper stretch. After the stretch was over she kept her arms in tee position letting the stretch wash over her. Of course, by leaving her hand on my mat she nearly had my sweaty man ass wash over her. FUCKING MOVE LADY!
Favorite posture: None. I hated this class. I have no good reason for it. I think yoga makes me angry.
Least favorite posture: Kapalibhati breathing in paripurna navasana (boat). This pose really forces me to lock my abdominal muscles to balance my giant torso. The kapalabhati breathing forces me to relax my abs in order to snap them back towards my spine which put extra pressure on my back.

Day Ten

Today is my second consecutive day without doing yoga thanks to the power outage yesterday. I figured the extra day off would give me an opportunity to recover from the setback Wednesday. Mostly it seemed to be an opportunity to get bitten up by mosquitoes and drink wine. While this mysteriously did not make the torn abdominal muscle feel any better it did help me to concentrate on something besides the discomfort. Taking a step back and observing my overall experience after (almost) a full week of classes I can say that I am noticing a pleasant overall body soreness. Even though I am taking all-levels classes the instructors are leading us through series of poses that are almost as challenging as power classes. I have heard that at this level the only difference between the two classes is the heat of the room. A power class is generally in a hotter room to allow for more openness in your muscles. If you are nursing an injury it is also an opportunity to over-extend yourself and make the injury worse. Given that I have already over-extended myself and made my injury worse maybe I should look into the power classes.

Day Nine

This shit done gone blown up! No seriously, an apocalyptic thunderstorm blew through knocking out power to the yoga studio. Due to the fire code that means class cannot be held because otherwise, what the fuck? It was warm enough, it was light enough, and the music sucks anyway. Instead I retired to my friend's house where I had the option of running through a series of stretches with her or drinking scotch and watching her do yoga.



I stand by my choice but that is actually creepier than it sounds. Hey, my groin hurts! Wait, I really mean the abdomen right next to my cock. Um, I should probably stop talking.

Instructor: Highland Park
Pain level: Orange but probably headed to yellow after enough Highland Park
Highlight of the class: Highland Park
Favorite posture: Highland Park
Least favorite posture: Passed out face first in the toilet (NOTE: speculative)

Day Eight

Today featured the first little hiccup in the yoga bomb's effectiveness. The whole class just felt a little off. I got there slightly late and I never really got centered. Something was eating at my insides the entire class. In retrospect it was probably the baked beans I had at lunch. Some of these poses are tough to sink into when you are spending all of your concentration trying not to rip a horrendous fart. This class also saw us requested to flow into and out of viradhadrasana III (warrior III) with our breath. I really must reiterate how impossible this is to me right now. Some of us chose instead to stand at the front of our mats with our hands at prayer pose. OK, only I made this modification. The danger came in the isolated core work near the end of class. I could not tell you what the posture was called but I named it the groin tearer since I definitely might have felt a little pop in the torn abdominal muscle.

Instructor: Matt
Pain level: Orange
Highlight of the class: Well I was going to say the isolated abs we were doing. I had a pretty good shake until the abdomen went.
Favorite posture: No idea what it was called but a leaning lunge with our arms slightly wrapped felt good on the hips.
Least favorite posture: The groin tearer, obviously.

Day Seven

Today's class was led by everyone's favorite ashtanga teacher who no longer teaches ashtanga with any great regularity, missed teaching ashtanga so she decided to lead us through a pared down ashtanga class. What does that mean? Fucked if I know but it is almost as fun to type as it is to say. Ashtanga! I just know that I was a little sore and tired from yesterday's class and this did not sound like a brilliant idea at the time. Still, except for some extra long holds of downward-facing dog it was an excellent class today.

Instructor: Rebecca
Pain level: Yellow
Highlight of the class: In a meditative pose Rebecca asked us to hold ourselves in stillness despite urges to fidget. This brought a wry smile to my face as I often play this game with my cats in the morning. I never, ever win.
Favorite posture: Virabhadrasana I (warrior I). Felt good on my groin which probably means I was doing it wrong.
Least favorite posture: Adho mukha svanasana (downward-facing dog). As previously mentioned this pose was harder than normal due to exhaustion in the arms. Fortunately there was another penis in the class today and its surrounding body seemed to shake during these holds as well. Or my vision was shaky from my own inability to hold, but I stand by my reasoning.

Day Six

My first 4:30 class and boy what a shock that was! Fortunately the air conditioning was blasting because I am not sure I make it through the workout with a power heat level. The first thing that gets said when I find my ass on my mat is that someone has requested we work the abs tonight. Great! I love core work! Helps me drink more without getting noticeably fatter! In fact the entire class seemed to be dedicated to core strength, hip opening, and balance postures. This seemed like the perfect class for me due to my flabby core, my impossibly tight hips, and my utter lack of balance. In reality it was actually a great class. I had a blast. I worked hard, I sweat a lot, and I felt quite a bit like I was run over by a truck.

Instructor: Toby
Pain level: Yellow
Highlight of the class: Toby telling me she will remember my name because I was the only guy in the class. That's right, there was upwards of an entire penis in that class!
Favorite pose: Oblique crunches. Anything to make my love handles stronger.
Least favorite pose: Virabhadrasana III (warrior III). Listen fuckers, I cannot get into this pose and you cannot make me!

Day Five

This one was a little rough. I was covered in sweat and reeking of PBR, and that was just from the effort of getting out of bed. I also definitely need to wash that yoga mat. Four classes in and it smells terrible. This will be something to monitor over the next month. A yoga bomb consumes a great deal of my free time, time that could be spent washing smelly things that will annoy my fellow yogis. This class was interesting because the instructor wanted us to concentrate on our chakras. We started with the muladhara chakra that controls lust and obsession. That one is working well. We moved up through the swadhisthana and manipura chakras that control violence, addiction, fear, and anxiety. Check, check, check, and check. We eventually climbed to the ajna chakra that controls clarity on an intuitive level, as in your third eye. At this point we came up a little empty. I am pretty sure my third eye opened, looked around, did not like what it saw and left for a cat.

Instructor: Sushma
Pain level: Yellow
Highlight of the class: When Sushma told us to concentrate on our genitals. I have news for you Ms. Yoga Instructor, I am ALWAYS concentrating on my genitals.
Favorite pose: Prasarita padottanasana (wide-angle forward bend). Smell my sweaty, PBR fueled ass fellow yogis!
Least favorite pose: Virabhadrasana III (warrior III) - I cannot get into this pose as it puts too much strain on the torn abdomen.

Day Four

My first ever morning yoga class and what a wonderful way to burn off that Irish Coffee I had for breakfast! The opening twists were just what I needed after a long night of sleeping on the bathroom floor. Of course the balancing postures were a little difficult. You ever see the DirecTV commercial where the guy just lifts his leg to his crotch in tree posture (vriksasana)? Then creepily the yoga instructor's head turns into a dollar bill. Anyway, that is fucking hard! You do not just fucking lift into tree with a stupid smile on your face during an acid trip. You lament your alcoholism and fall over like a normal person.

Instructor: Val
Pain level: Yellowish-green
Highlight of the class: Making it to class on time. First time during the bomb I had time to pee before class. What a difference. Everyone gets so grossed out when I pee in class.
Favorite posture: Kapotasana (pigeon). Gotta get rid of that hip pain.
Lease favorite posture: Parighasana (gate pose). That one tweaked just about every injury in its own special way, especially with the left leg extended.

Day Three

Friday night is a night described to me as the perfect night to take off from yoga. It gives me an opportunity to sit back and assess where I am in terms of my injuries. There is a moderate amount of pain in my groin and abdomen. My hip is a little stiff and there is a surprising amount of soreness in my triceps. On the bright side gin and tonics are still delicious. I find it is always a good idea to drink clear liquor the night before a morning yoga class. Of course I have never done a morning yoga class so this might actually be a terrible idea. I think I might contemplate this over another gin and tonic. You may not want to put your mat next to mine tomorrow.

Day Two

After some nifty thunderstorms blew through Wednesday night, Thursday turned into a beautiful early summer day. Well it was beautiful if you are a native New Englander. I have it on good authority that displaced Texans were freezing. It was such a beautiful day that everyone decided to go out for a drive and no one was in a particular hurry to get anywhere...except me. Dammit people, get the fuck out of the way, I am late for my relaxation class! The experience today was much different thanks to the cooler temperatures and a much more traditional series of poses. I did notice some fatigue in my arms from Wednesday's class. This will be interesting to monitor once I reach my fifth or sixth day in a row.

Instructor: Jude
Pain level: Yellow
Highlight of the class: Unfortunately there are no head injuries to report today. I guess the highlight for me was when Jude walked to the back of the room, decided it was too hot, and allowed the blessed cool air in from the outside. Sorry Texans.
Favorite posture: Dolphin push-ups. Feel the BURN baby!
Least favorite posture: Bent triangle? I forget the exact terminology used on this one, but on the right side this pose managed to specifically tweak almost every injury/deform I have in a spectacular way.

Day One

Thanks to 90 degree humid weather outside and a neighboring power yoga class, the yoga bomb started off with a bang. Hahahaha oh man that is good stuff right there. Seriously though, it was fucking hot. The sweat started pouring during kapalabhati breathing and continued long after savasana ended. It felt a little like a power class instead of all levels although it is possible my "yoga shape"could best be described as "abysmal". Is abysmal a shape? Fuck you! All in all it was a solid class that featured several moments when I did not regret my decision to drop a yoga bomb on myself.

Instructor: Matt
Pain level: Yellow
Highlight of the class: Falling on my head attempting to reach crow posture
Favorite posture: Kakasana (crow) obviously. Grievous head injuries make everything better.
Least favorite posture: Everything that involved kneeling and sitting on my heels. Some of us cannot straighten our feet and that shit feels like I am breaking my ankles.

Welcome to my yoga bomb

What is a yoga bomb? It is six yoga classes a week for a full month. Why a yoga bomb? Well anyone who knows me understands that at this point in my life I am held together mostly with tattoos and hate. Specifically I am nursing a torn lower abdominal muscle as well as two masses of scar tissue where my groins used to be. Additionally my lower back is seizing up at inopportune moments and according to some of you cunts I am a little too high strung. I suppose a genuine effort to relax and unwind for 75 minutes a day could not hurt. Well it could not hurt my psyche, it will probably shred what little is left of my groin.

The yoga bomb will be dropped at the Samadhi Yoga Studio. Each update will include an update on my pain level on the Homeland Security color-coded system as follows:
Green - Holy shit I am cured!
Blue - Hey, that is not bad!
Yellow - Well this pain is familiar
Orange - I fear I may have made things worse
Red - Call a surgeon!