Day Twenty-two

Today we were told that we would be concentrating on our upper body. Well that is good news, what could possibly go wrong with upper body work? It is my lower body that is all broken, the upper body works pretty well. At least, I thought it did. I managed to tweak my elbow doing one of the three versions of cobra we performed. Of COURSE I hurt my elbow in cobra. I mean, I cannot go through any sort of physical activity without hurting myself, right? It is the law, apparently.

Instructor: Matt
Pain level: Orange
Highlight of the class: Sitting down on my mat. I actually arrived at class ten minutes early but due to some incompetence at the head of the line I was late to class. Go figure.
Favorite posture: Vasisthasana (side plank). This one just felt good to stretch into.
Least favorite posture: Balasana (child's pose). Normally I love me a relaxation pose, but sometimes you are faced with an important question. Is that ball sweat on my mat from Bhujangasana (cobra)? That is ball sweat on my mat from bhujangasana. Collapse onto my mat? Uh, thanks.

Day Twenty-one

Back to yoga for the first time since Thursday. On Thursday instead of the kick-ass Jude I had the substitute Val. It is important to note that in this context the term "kick-ass" means Jude tries to make you cry. Referring to Val as not an ass kicker just means you can walk out of her class, it is not an insult. On Tuesday I had Val instead of the kick-ass Rebecca. In case you missed it, Tuesday marked the summer solstice. There is a good chance that the only thing you cared about was the fact that it meant it was light out until 9 PM. If you are a yogi then this is an opportunity for you to meditate upon the brightness the sun brings into the world. For the rest of us this means we have to listen to our yoga instructor blather on about the light within us. This should not be taken as an indication that I did not enjoy the class. I walked in ready to pass out on my feet and walked out ready to pass out on my feet, but in between I had a damned good time.

Instructor: Val
Pain level: Orange
Highlight of the class: Passing out clean in savasana. Fuck all that you hold holy but I love me a good sleep.
Favorite posture: A series of sun salutations (Surya Namaskara). This was a great way to invigorate the body.
Least favorite posture: Savasana. I know, I know, it was the highlight of the class when I passed out during meditation, but Val kept droning on and on about the light outside representing the light within and every time she talked I woke back up. I love sleeping but I HATE waking up.

Day Twenty

There was no yoga today. There was supposed to be yoga today but it turns out I have C++ training this week. What can I learn in C++ training? Well, not a lot. I would have to possess the ability to stay awake through an entire day of class for that happen. Yoga starts at 4:30 and class gets out at 4:30. On the bright side this gives me a perfect excuse to leave work at 4:30 regardless of what time I showed up in the morning. On the down side, I really do enjoy Toby's class.

Instructor: Leor. No really, that is his name. It turns out it is a common name in Hebrew but Leor is from California. There is very little problem with his accent.
Pain level: Red. This has nothing to do with the torn abdomen, have you ever tried to sit through 8 hours of C++ training?
Highlight of the class: Waking up at 4:30 to find an e-mail sent at 1:30 from a coworker in the class telling me to wake up. True story.
Favorite posture: Asleep in class, obviously.
Least favorite posture: Any moment spent awake in class.

Day Nineteen

Here is the thing. When you end up at a wedding where one of the key members (aka the groom) met a guy at a Renaissance Faire while dressed as an ogre (aka Shrek) then weird shit may happen. For example, there might be a circus performer and his wife and they might ask for volunteers from the crowd. You might volunteer thinking you will get to have sex with the wife. In this case since you obviously do not have sex with the wife you face the possibility of ending up in a human table. Boy I was hoping that would lead to pictures of underage people. Anyway this happened and as you can imagine when holding the person in your lap with nothing but lower body and core strength, you want a fully functional abdomen. Oh well, at least I had the best looking member of the human table in my lap? She was cute so I can count that as sex, right? After this the drive home was more painful. At least the wine was good and I flipped off the camera man.

Instructor: Bill
Pain level: Orange
Highlight of the class: The bride's boobs falling out of her strapless dress. It is important to note that this might have only happened in my mind.
Favorite posture: Watching the circus performers with a bottle of champagne in my hand that no one felt obligated to remove.
Least favorite posture: The human table, despite the presence of a female in my lap.

Day Eighteen

No yoga today. My friend is getting married and given the choice between drunkenly dropping trou at a wedding and waking up to stretch with a bunch of assholes who are altogether too perky it is really not much of a contest. Let us see how long you can hold downward facing dog after staying up until 8 AM (note, really 10 PM) drinking whiskey (note, really whiskey) fuckers! OK, I should probably go shower and shave before the festivities start. Shave my ass, obviously.

Instructor: Champagne
Pain level: Yellowish-orange
Highlight of the class: "Accidentally" dropping champagne down the front of the bride's dress. Ah, boobs.
Favorite posture: Dancing to "I'm Too Sexy" with no pants on.
Least favorite posture: Hugging the toilet.

Day Seventeen

My third day of rest found me sitting in a car for several hours as I drove north. Sitting for long periods of time has been a source of discomfort since the injury. I found this drive to be relatively pain free. As long as I sat with good posture in the car I was able to avoid the inevitable back pain that has plagued me since the injury. It is almost like all of these muscle groups are tied together. Weird, I know. Thank goodness I drive a German car so there is room for my freakishly long torso to sit fully upright without banging my head into the ceiling. It occurs to me that this far into the bomb I was hoping to have made noticeable strides towards health but I suppose that it was an unrealistic expectation. The general rule of thumb is that it takes you twice as long to heal as you nursed the injury. Too bad I cannot continue this yoga pace for the next 3 years. Regardless I feel I have made important strides towards recovery by cleverly clearing out all that scar tissue in the lower abdomen. And by cleverly I mean painfully. Oh well.

Day Sixteen

Classes like this one make me glad I am taking all levels yoga classes as my avenue towards health rather than Zumba. Every person walking out of the studio from the Zumba class that precedes yoga on Wednesdays was a hot, sweaty mess. One disgruntled yogi had a hard time finding a dry spot on the floor on which to lay his mat. I had no such localization issues as I just lay my mat down directly behind the best looking girl in the class, who promptly decided she would rather take the power class instead. Oh yeah, still got it.

Instructor: Val
Pain level: Orange
Highlight of the class: Finding out the yogi next to me was sporting a purple thong beneath her yoga pants. Remember yogis, no pantie lines! I spent the rest of the class trying to both not stare at it and stare at it at the same time. That's right, I am twelve.
Favorite posture: Kapotasana (pigeon). This was the second consecutive class that concentrated on hip opening and it felt fantastic.
Least favorite posture: Fire hydrant. Yup, still cramps. Maybe someday this will feel good instead of PAIN.